missing you.

I was so overwhelmed leading up to the time he left. And when he did, I welcomed the break, because I felt like I hadn't even been able to care for my own kids, to really be there for them, for the weeks leading up. We had a vacation planned, and it was nice to take a little sabbatical from the chaos.

Then we got home from vacation, and the girls moved in. We were planning to take a longer break from fostering, but our hearts went out to these two little girls, and then it was like I blinked and they were here.

And I thought it was nutty before. Ha.

We went through a great deal of heartbreak as the judge decided the girls couldn't live together anymore (we agreed, but that didn't make it any easier.) I don't want to get into that story now except to just say....again, it was a crazy time.

Now, life has settled down again. We are in a good little routine and are happy to have Miss K still here with our family for now. And, the calmer days have given me more time to think...

...to miss you, little boy.

I don't think I ever grieved. I don't think I had much time to miss you (which isn't ok). But I find myself thinking about you quite a bit over the last few weeks. Tears. Worry. Heartache.

I was your only Mama for 8 months. You depended wholly on me. You wanted my arms. You smiled and tucked your head down just in that way where you were looking deep into me to see if I had a smile back.

I love you, buddy!! And, I miss you so much. Always praying for you...and hoping.