my "only".

"Morning Mist" by Kate Thomas

I don't like feeling weak. I don't like to face my weakness. I want to do it all. I want to be strong. I want to have energy and be productive. I love to connect with people, and "be there" for people. When I am sick and have to slow down I'm more frustrated with not being able to be productive than with the symptoms themselves. I get so frustrated when I miss days at the gym. I hate letting people down, canceling, etc....

I've been struggling with sickness for almost three weeks. Many days I haven't been able to get up to make K's lunch or walk her to the bus stop (thankfully I have a gracious and helpful hubby).  I've had two migraines this week already (which, for me, include vomiting and being unable to talk or move because of the intensity.) They knock me out and I am utterly helpless! I've been MIA and even though friends know I've been sick I worry that I am disappointing them.

I know all this self-sufficiency is so awful! And sometimes that leads me I think I deserve to be sick and shouldn't ask God to heal me because I probably need to learn to slow down, to rest in Him more. But, I know, too, that He made me to enjoy being busy and productive. HE made me.

I think I'm beginning to see that strength and weakness come from him. He works through both. He's bigger than both. I mean, duh, but still....

There are many areas that I want strength yet come up empty. Like, I so want to advocate for orphans, for children in foster care, for the weak, abused, over-looked...yet, I am a weary foster mom myself. We want to give more financially...to our church, to missions, to support more orphans world-wide...yet, we keep adding up the great causes and face disbelief that God can really provide. I see dear friends walking through tremendous suffering and pain and I want to make it all better cause I struggle to trust God for answers. I grieve over abuse that people I love have suffered and I don't understand my loving God.

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This Sunday, our pastor, Rob, preached from Matthew 14.

The disciples and Jesus are grieving the death of a friend (John, who was cruelly beheaded)

and the crowds are pressing in...

they are needy, they are hungry...

The disciples feel overwhelmed and that they can't meet the people's needs. They decide the crowds must be sent away. But Jesus tells the disciples to feed them.

The disciples respond with, "We have only five loaves and two fish!"

Lord, I have only this weak body. I have only so much strength. I have only so much patience for these little ones. I have only so much time, money, comfort to give.

I have only this faithless heart.

I have only these questions, these doubts.

I have only these tears, this emptiness.

Jesus took their "only" into his hands. The five loaves.

He broke their "only".

He handed it back to them.

Then, the disciples start passing out those "only five loaves" of theirs...

And five thousand people "ate and were satisfied".

Lord, take my "only", my weaknesses and do your good work. Redeem all this brokenness and bring healing as only you can. You are our hope. You are all we have. Dissolve my self-sufficiency and my pride in my perceived strength. I have nothing apart from you and I am so desperate for you. Use us, Lord, you have put desires on our hearts for a reason and I trust you for big things.