miss a.

This note is a milestone.  Miss A has a strong allegiance to her birth mom and is missing her so much since being separated from her.  Of course, the relationship with her mom was not a good one.  But A doesn't understand that.  What she understands is that that was her mom.  Yet, she has been calling me "Mommy" lately in a way that says, "I accept you, I choose you." (Her therapist has told her she can call me Mom if she desires as I am the mom-figure in her life.  She held back for awhile, though).

It means the world to me that she writes "because you are a good mom."  I think she is understanding, for the first time, that there is a difference between a good mommy and a not good mommy.  I may not ever become her mommy, but if I can define healthy relationships for her, I will be so pleased.

It's been a rocky ride these last (almost) 4 weeks.  We sure love these girls bunches.  But, oh my, there have been some rough patches.  I took the kids to see the movie Brave yesterday, and I so related to the mother and her daughter.  They disagree strongly, they are disrespectful, selfish and unloving to one another. They hurt one another deeply and their relationship suffers serious consequences.  But, in the end, they each lay down their pride and their bond is restored.  They weren't perfect, but they laid down their personal desires because the relationship was worth so much more.  I thought it beautifully redemptive.  Miss A (7) and I have had our wars.  We struggle sometimes. She acts out (of course, totally understandably.  It's the only "voice" she knows how to use at the moment saying "I've been hurt!").  Sometimes I'm scared or confused, or I'm offended, or I feel like I want to protect my kids better and I can't.  I've been mean to her sometimes too.  Too quick to bring consequences, too quick to speak, and sometimes haven't given her the time or the grace to open up about what's really going on.  But, we have had some sweet, redemptive, bonding moments as well.  I've said I'm sorry.  She forgives me.  She apologizes (and when she does, she really means it.  You don't see any of the old attitude when she decides she's sorry.  She is cheerful and helpful.  Aw, kids.  Wish I could be just like 'em.). She wants to be my friend and I want to be hers, and we are friends. I love her eyes and her beautiful hair.  She loves to be teased, to be cuddled, to be near me.  And, when we aren't having a moment, I just can't tell you what a sweet kid she is. I mean, really.

There have been (I'm sad to say) scars, but, you know, they say scar tissue heals stronger that natural skin.  God is forming new bonds and they are beautiful.  Miss A brings such joy to my life.  She so wants to give me her whole heart.  And I appreciate your willingness, girl.  You're gonna get stronger.  You're gonna see that the old way doesn't have to define you.  There's hope ahead.  There's healing.  And I'll hold your hand, I'll listen, and I'll be here.  Thank you for the grace you have for me and the trust you are giving me.  You're amazing.