what to say? what to say of this day?

An update on Mowgli-boy:

Well, we found out last week that the alleged father is indeed the father.  Fine.  So, we went and met him today.  Fine.  He seems nice.  Mogwli cried for most of the one hour, supervised visit that they had, but that would be expected for any 18-month-old left in a room with a stranger they just met.

A little follow up, though, on the past few months here.  November and December were very difficult months on me as a foster mom.  The baby was just struggling in increasing ways (lots of inconsolable, undivertable fits, sometimes for hours....that'll wear ya out).  Things got really, really hard and I just saw having this kiddo here as a burden...not a joy.  It's awful.  I felt so guilty and awful.  But, it was true.  Judge me, if you must, but I just struggled to feel a connection with him and sometimes looked back longingly at the "old days" when it was just "my kids".  Sad but true.  Yet, God gave us grace and helped us through those days.  Dru and I spent an increasing about of time praying together, begging God to help us.  We also really opened up to close friends and family and our agency about our struggles.  And, the agency, in particular, stepped up with support and help.

Then, grace started rushing in.  Everything started to change.

Three weeks ago he just changed.  And we just changed.  Suddenly, he was laughing, cuddling for long, long periods.  Smiling at me.  A lot.  Saying words, like "Hi!" and "buh" for book, and calling me "MA-MA" all day long.  Sleeping at night without nightmares.  Not a single nightmare in 3 weeks when he had been having them every single night.  Using his sign language.  Singing and dancing to music.  Only having little, more normal, fits.  Just seeming like he has really made our home his home and settled into a predictable, happy life.

It's honestly been blissful.  I am enjoying Mowgli so, so much.  It's easier, of course, now that he is doing better.  But, Dru and I feel like something really changed deeply in us.  We have really come to love him more freely than ever before...more naturally than before.  I just feel love for him all the time.  Since things were so tense before I was more stressed about life in general.  But these days I have just been enjoying all three kids so much and just feeling a generous about of peace and fulfillment and joy around here.

We've started telling each other how much he seems like one of "our" kids.  Talking of how we can't imagine him ever not being ours.

So, anyway, it's been going really good.  And the case has been so slow moving that we really didn't think there was any family interested in him. Even last week the attorney predicted that things are just going to ride out and he'd soon be up for adoption.

Naturally, it would be a shock for me to find out today that there indeed IS family who has just applied to have him placed with them (they have to get background checks, homestudy, etc--could be a week or two before we know anything).  I am kinda raw right now as I write this...sorting this all out but I am honestly freaked out about this knowing that a kinship placement can happen really fast.  I'm scared.  I'm sad.  I've emailed who I can and am going to fight this as hard as I can.  I just want his family to only take him if they are 100% committed to having him and loving him for the rest of his life.  Mowgli should not have to move and start life all over with people who are just "checking him out" (I'm not saying that is what they are doing, but I think it only right to find out where their level of commitment lies).  Moving homes is a huge trauma on kids.  HUGE.  I just want to make sure they know how much we are willing to do for this baby, how much we love him, and to really, really think about this--and possibly give the decision more time--before bringing him into their home.

I knew all this was possible, but now that we are staring it in the face, I'm horrified.  Is this the beginning of the end?  I feel sick.