nothing like the ER for some real heart work.

Mowgli has been here 4 weeks yesterday.  Annnnd, we spent the entire evening of his four week anniversary in the ER.  You know we like to do things up big around here!  ;)  He is totally fine, though, thankfully!  We thought he had a dislocated shoulder.  Dru had been playing with him, tossing him into pillows on the bed, and suddenly, he started crying.  The crying turned to screaming and rage that went on and on and would not be comforted.  His jaw was quivering and his legs and arms were trembling.  He was so upset.  Then I started to notice he wasn't using his arm and his shoulder looked out of place.  With the level of pain he seemed to be experiencing we definitely felt he needed to get checked.

3 hours later we come to find out the xrays were clear and it was nothing more than a sprain.  In the words of the doctor, "He sure had me fooled!"  Sheesh.  We are thankful he is okay.  And, there will be no more tossing him around for now.  Not every kid is Augie--35+ lbs and a rock-solid frame. :)

Yesterday was a very difficult day for me for a variety of reasons even before all this ER drama.  I'm sorry to say that by the time all this was happening I was feeling pretty bitter about the situation.  I'd had a hard day, I was supposed to be hanging out with friends.  I needed a break!!  Mowgli just has unusual needs because of his past and many days I feel exhausted in my efforts for him and that after everything I give I feel that I still come up short, that he still needs more.  I'm not doing enough for him.  He deserves more than I can give.  These thoughts plague me often.  However, I felt like last night a tiny miracle happened between he and I.  I think we both gave up a little, looked each other square in the eyes, he relenting and saying, lady, you're all I've got, and me relenting and saying, you're mine, I'm here, and I won't give up on you.

The way he responded to the pain, his fierceness, seemed to me to be an expression of a deeper anger, a deeper pain, a deeper grief.  I can't explain it, but I wonder if other adoptive/foster moms have seen something similar in their little ones.  It seemed like the physical pain was rousing up a bitterness he felt at all life has handed him, at painful experiences of the past.  And even now, living here in our house.  He's only known us 4 weeks.  4 weeks ago everything in his life was different.  Everything.  What an amazing mountain he must climb!  And here he is still learning that he can trust us, that we love him, that we won't leave him.  But he isn't totally sure, yet.

As I was holding him through all of last evening, his body eveuntally fell limp with fatigue.  His eyelids falling and rising, his neck weakening, his arms and legs going limp.  Physically done.  Yet, his spirit was going strong.  Even with his body limp in my arms he kept on screaming and yelling and fighting.  He was angry and he was gonna make sure we all knew it!  We've mostly seen such a sweet spirit from this kid.  And every week he has seemed to become even more playful, more free.  This came pretty unexpectedly.

I find so much hope in that there IS a Healer, and that He is full of mercy toward us. I'm countin' on it! We know that God is going to do great things in little Mowgli's heart. And I write about what I see because I know there will be a day where the boy we know now will not be recognized as the boy he will one day be. We will look back and read this and see that there is a God "who made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, who keeps faith forever; who executes justice for the oppressed, who gives food to the hungry...The Lord sets the prisoners free...the Lord watches over the sojourners; He upholds the widow and the fatherless...He heals up the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." (from Psalm 146 & 147) I am so grateful this little guy is in our lives. God is bringing healing and coming close to us all thorough it.